Saying Goodbye Again –
For the whole of this year, I’ve been trying to say goodbye to a friend but for me, goodbyes are hard to do. I like holding on to everything. I still have a piece of clothing that I must have worn as an infant. It has come across the world with me. Lived in five of the seven countries I have lived in. It has made it through countless op-shop runs, foundation donations, a fire, a flood and I don’t know how many other throw-outs and get rid-of’s, but there it sits, in the second draw down in my chest of draws. Which is something else I probably should have gotten rid of ages ago too. Shoes and pens and tools little things and big things. I find it hard to give up anything that I bring into my life.
But this goodbye is different. I am trying to say goodbye to my manuscript. I am so close to letting it fly the coup and yet… there is always so much more to do. Each time I think I am ready, I take a breath, I have my say and then I press the well-worn send button on my computer that by now, gives me so much grief that I am contemplating saying goodbye to it too. I take a moment to sigh, I feel my shoulders relax and I begin to enjoy that bitter-sweet feeling of freedom. The release that comes from knowing that I am ready to let my manuscript go, and then it hits me. I’m letting my manuscript go.
That’s when I remember all the things I haven’t said. All the things I still want to say. All the little bits and pieces that should have fallen into place or were put off for another chapter and never went in. I remember every little insignificant piece that I took out and would love to put back. A word I liked that didn’t fit. A moment of clarity that didn’t work. A moment of chaos that couldn’t find its place. It all comes back to me.
This week I am giving it another try. I am saying goodbye again. I pressed the send button and off my manuscript went. Through the internet ether straight to my writing mentor and publisher Joanne Fedler. A wonderful human who has taught me so much in such a short time. This time, I know my book will come back to me. I know I have a little bit more to do. It still needs its last edit. Some commas moved, and maybe a sentence changed. Yet again I’ll look at my friend, I’ll probably take a day to mull things over and then dive back into
the by now very familiar text. I’ll use my slower maths brain and my hyperactive art brain to pull it all together again. Make my story more accessible to others. And then I’ll have to hit that dreaded send button again.
Soon I’ll be setting launch dates and travel dates and selling dates. The story is there, the cover has been chosen. But I know I’ll be given that chance once more to say hello again.