You Are Not Who You Used To Be –

I’m sitting in the sun in my new apartment in Jo’burg and I am typing on my new computer. Its name is Lenny. My last computer was called Sammy and she was a real bitch to me in the end. Sammy would take delight in showing me up as an idiot girl whenever she could. She would brazenly freeze on me when no one was looking and then when I brought someone in to take a look, she would bat her stupid lid at them and smile while she opened up any file or email that their fingers requested.

Sammy often made me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing. That was quite easy because even before I met Sammy I felt like I was the only person on earth that was not very computer literate. Do you know what I mean?

Lenny is a lot softer with me. Lenny has patience and shows me that I just might have a few tricks up my sleeve. I am subdividing folders, downloading programs, doing artwork, developing websites – the other day I even made a coding joke. The truth that has been emerging is that I am actually no longer the person that Sammy knew. These days, I am less afraid to try something new. I don’t look at a computer with dread. I am enabled. I have the power to be connected.

 Over the years from childhood, to adulthood and now into my crone-years, I have been changing. We all have, but I hadn’t noticed that I am no longer the person I used to be. That person is far from dead. She still has her fears. Her quirks are hard-wired and will probably never dampen. Her sense of adventure will never die. But the doubts are dissipating. The confidence is becoming abundant. These days, more and more I am seeing that just because I wasn’t able to do something as a child, doesn’t mean that I still can’t do it now. I may not have known how to do it last year or last month or yesterday, but I am learning to give myself permission to try now. And you know what? I am getting things right.

I think so many of us look at who we were and say, “That is me. That is who I am.” All the self-help books, gurus and pop-psychology in the world would not have helped me. Because I was sure I knew who I was. Now, I’m not so sure about myself and for the first time I am glad that I don’t know me. I am finding out who I am with each new task. So Sammy I say with love and confidence – you suck. But don’t let me stop you. You do you.